All that Glitters is not Gold

When I first moved to London oh something like 17 years ago, my mum made a comment to the effect that she thought, I thought “that  London’s streets were paved with gold”  Having travelled back and forth for 4 years in order to pursue my relationship with my then boyfriend and now husband David McQueen I was under no illusion that London has some big issues and that I would have to mete out my success with fear and trembling and that I would not find literal gold on the streets.

Here I am many years later and I can truly say I that what I have found, without a doubt, is that all that glitters is not gold. In a world where wealth, fame and fortune seem to matter to the masses I too, got caught up in believing that what you have defines who you are and your success. The big house, the fancy car, the credit cards in abundance, dining out very regularly and so much more, you know the score. It seems that in the western world what you have or what it looks like you have seems to be more important than who you are and that is often the case “down south”.

David and I have a number of  acquaintances who most definitely look the part, they seem to have it all, appear to be very successful and in with the in crowd! Everything is in control, the money is banked and they are living the proverbial life of Riley… or are they? Just scratch under the surface a bit more you you will find that their gold is in short supply.  You may think that you have little and not in their league, but you might be surprised to know that many are faking it, living their lives based on credit, an old reputation and in miserable relationships. It looks good but only a few bits of thread are holding it all together.

I’m not trying to dis anyone, I was there once, with everything looking great on the surface and the reality being really quite frighteningly different; scratch the surface and you wanted to cover it up pretty quickly! What I do want to point out is than often we we give ourselves a hard time for not having what other people have, not reaching their perceived level of success, not being on their level, not having their money or contacts or whatever. The truth is we have no idea what their reality is, we have no idea how much what they have has cost them in money, friends, values etc. Our job is not to covet what they have and decry what we haven’t, our job is to be content  and grateful for with what we have and strive to be the best that we can be without comparison to others.

Too often we are looking at dead wood that has caught the sunlight and think that it is a prosperous, healthy, fruit baring tree,  it’s not… its dead wood! If we could just for a moment stop to look at the little sapling tree (ourselves) which we often ignore because of others, we might just find that we have the potential to become like the great red woods of America which sparkle in the sunlight, standing tall, authentic and lasting.

Remember all that glitters is not gold, but if you can be look after with your little piece of lead you might just find that it turns into  real gold!

On becoming 40

On Sunday gone I entered a new era in my life and a new decade, I became 40 and a true adult! I’ve been gearing up to my 40th birthday for a while, I’ve not been afraid of it, I’ve actually been quite excited. For me 40 marks a level of achievement, a passing into a different period of my life and less fumbling around in the dark.

I’ve got to 40 and I can look back over the years and see the things that I have learned, skills, tools, understandings, etc and be truly grateful. If hadn’t experienced my mistakes, my low times, the relationship problems, the deaths of family and friends, my work experience, the choices that I have made good and bad, then I wouldn’t have learned so much about myself and others. Every course I’ve been on, meeting I’ve attended, client I’ve worked with, company I’ve worked for, person I’ve met and experience in church/s has brought me to were I am now, so that I can step in to my 40’s more sure of who I am, what I believe, why I believe, what I want and why I want it, how I like to be treated and how to teach people to treat me. I feel less clumsy, more able, less unsure, more certain, less inflexible, more willing to learn, less needy, more comfortable with me and that feels just fine

I’m not looking at 40 with rose tinted glasses thinking that I have made it, although in other countries and years gone by, the age 40 is/was a luxury. No, I feel like I still have much to learn but have a great foundation to stand on as I learn more. For me I have a freedom to be without being too concerned about what other people think of me, a surety about myself that I feel that has been 40 years in the making. As a christian my frame of reference is that God has brought me to this point and I am excited as to where he may take me.

I now understand why they say that life begins at 40… it is like a new beginning, but with less clumsiness and unsurety and with far more knowing and ability to deal with what is to come.

So Happy Birthday Me! Enjoy the Journey!

On Being Me!

I know I’ve said it before, but I have to say it again, over the last few years I have been on a huge self development journey and it has been a huge learning curve for me about myself, my interactions with other and who I really am.

This week another learning came into play, I realised that I can be easily swayed to go with the flow of someone else when things are going well, but when I get brought back to earth with a bump I remember the cold hard facts that had kept me on the straighten and narrow before got distracted. It happens in business when someone comes along with a lucrative offer that looks like it will make you lots of money, it’s a deal that you just can’t refuse or so they say and you’d be a fool not to go for it. Is it lucrative? most probably but… does it fall in line with who you are and what you do? most probably not! But the thing that really catches you is the opportunity to make that extra money and so you try it.

Funnily enough it is almost inevitable that to be successful in this new idea, this new venture you need to be committed and the more you go down it’s road the more you realise it is just not for you and that you are not committed because it does not align with your passion, your purpose and your goals. It’s called going off your straight and narrow!!

Very soon you find yourself having to pull out of the new venture and having to go back to basics and revisit your vision and your goals . This very same thing happened to me this week is a slightly tweeked way. But the same kind of problem with the same kind of outcomes. It happens with relationships as well! So what I have I learned?

1: No matter how good it sounds if it is not in line with who I am, my values and what my focus is, then it is not for me.

2: My opinion is valid and I should not allow someone else’s to crowd out mine.

3: It’s important that I be who I am, regardless of the expectations that others place on me.

4: Life is too short to live it the way someone else wants me to.

5: It’s OK to say no.

This week I have had to step out and say “Stop” and then turn around and go back to the road I should I have been on. The one that is “my” road. This week I remembered that I am ME!..  not who someone else wants me to be … and that is all right!

Are You Hungry?

My favourite children’s book is called The Very Hungry Caterpillar, when I see it in book stores I always want to purchase it again even though I know I already have two copies already stashed away at home. What is it about this book that holds my attention and makes me smile every time I see it wanting to read it again and again? You know what it is? It is the layers of learning that come from such a simple book.

The story is of a caterpillar who over the course of 7 days eats more and more food and eventually becomes so fat that it cannot move. The caterpillar becomes a chrysalis and then turns into a beautiful butterfly.

For children, the learn the seven days of the week and counting and various foods and so much more, but I got to thinking about this story and how it relates to life’s journey. I turn 40 this year and I am excited abut what the other half of my life holds for me, I realise that I have been on the journey of the caterpillar for all of the first 40 years of my life and right now I am ready to fly.

So here is the learning for me and for other adults out there who may be wondering when their change is going to come.

1. It takes time to develop who you are, your beliefs, values and most importantly what your purpose is.
2. Your experiences feed you with knowledge, understanding, skills, resources and resilience. You gain maturity through experience.
3. We are never given more than we can handle. The Very Hungry Caterpillar eats more food each day increasing exponentially only by one item each day until just before it goes it’s its metamorphosis I have learned that just before your change comes one is expected to handle a larger obstacle than ever experienced before. However you have been gearing up to this so that you can handle it.
4. There is a time when we need to stop and take stock of where we are and make changes. Where we find out who we really are. This may feel like we are not moving forward even though we are ready for change. However, like a fine wine we are maturing waiting for the right time to burst and delight ourselves and others.
5. It is only when we have gone through this process that we can emerge as a beautiful butterfly embracing all that we have learnt and continue to learn and stepping wholly and fully into our purpose without. This is when we truly realise the value of everything that we have been through before.

Here’s the thing… in order to get to being a beautiful butterfly you’ve got to be hungry.

It takes time…

We live in an ever increasingly instant gratification society, over the last decade we have had an exponential amount of loans, credit cards, by now pay later and other such financial carrots dangled at us as part of the “you can have it now” ethos that has taken over our world. Recently we have seen that this mentality has come crashing down around our shoulders and is fashionably referred to as the “Credit Crunch”.

When I was a child, it took time, hard work, effort and patience to make a house a home and fill it with the mod cons most home buyers expect today as standard. It took grit to afford to go on holiday and come back without owing a penny. Business took time to bed in and build so that it could be profitable and appreciated by it’s customers and suppliers instead of the set it up overnight and make a million in a philosophy that often privales in the modern board room.

What I have learnt in recent years goes against the modern norm… it takes time. It’s taken time for David and I to build Milestone and we know that it will take much more for it to be the sustainable business we want it to be. It’s taken time for us to appreciate that it “little by little” is far more powerful than “all in one go”. It takes time to build a positive reputation and it builds time for others to recognise it.

I sat proudly observing my husband today as he beamed because he was featured in “The Voice” Newspaper as one of the movers and shakers to watch in 2009. He has worked tirelessly with young people to raise their confidence and attainment levels and has networked constantly at the sacrifice of family time to build contacts who could help him gain access to the more lucrative corporate work that buoys up the work he does in education.  To see him featured was a real priviledge but not something that has come over night, it has taken time and it will take more to really get where we want to go.

There is a phrase in the bible that says “Let patience have her perfect work” and every day I am learning that this is exactly what I need to do. That with patience, endeavour and a giving spirit over time all things are possible.

So go ahead… take your time.

Alzheimer’s… an update

It’s been quite some time since I spoke about Alzheimer’ s, to be honest it’s a very painful subject and watching my mum deteriorate is really very difficult. I have questions that many people wouldn’t understand but those who has seen anyone suffer from a chronic disease might recognise them, so here they go.

1. When will it end?   I suppose this question is really when will mum die? No one ones the answer but it’s my most prevailing question. It’s horrible to see my mum the way she is, for me she is not who I knew her to be, so when does the facade end, so that the current grieving for a mother who is no longer with us can start for a mother who is no longer with us.
2. What does it mean that she’s put on weight? Does it mean that she is getting better? I know that it doesn’t but I kind of expect her to waste away and then when she doesn’t what does that really mean. The cruelty of the disease it seems knows no bounds, teasing us with psuedo hope, yet there is no cure.
3. Why did this have to happen? This is my meaning of life question where I suppose I shout at God for a while and then collapse in a heap and say “Thy will be done”. I know there is much to learn on this journey but it is painful all the same.
4. Is there anything we can do to make her better? I know that some swear by glyco-nutrients as reducing the effects of the disease, but there really is a feeling of hopelessness about it all. That it is inevitable that she will die and we are just waiting for the day.
5. Does she know me? This is the one all about visits, when you wonder if she knew that you were there. Last time I visited she said my name and I felt great, I don’t think it was because she recognised me but to be honest you can never be sure.

I have lots of questions, Alzheimer’s has a way of making you question when you see the demise of your parent to it’s clutches. I’ve sought outside help in being able to offload the stress of it all and it has been brilliant for me in managing the pain and hurt more effectively. Alzheimer’s really is a carers disease it hurts everyone involved and it’s overwhelming. I’ve learned that it is alright to say that it hurts and that it’s OK to cry unashamedly for as long as I want to, grieving the loss of the mother I knew and the arrival of this other person.

I love my mum and will forever have her in my heart. She is wheelchair bound, she speaks in riddles much of which is gibberish, she is hunched over quite often, her head held down and her eyes not quite fully open. She holds on to whatever she can and if she has your hand she’s not letting go. But she’s my mum still even if her character seems to be lost behind those eyes.

Auguste Deter (1850-1906) the first woman to be diagnosed with Alzheimers Disease

I wish that it could be taken more seriously this disease that takes our parents before their time leaving a shell of the person who was behind. I wish that sexy campaigns could be devised to raise millions to fund the much necessary research. I wish that the NHS and government would acknowledge the millions of carers who keep the costs of the disease at a minimum. I wish that those who made the decision about not giving the disease preventing drugs to those in the early stages of Alzheimers could really understand why its necessary to have the drug so early in the life of the disease. Lastly, I wish I could have my real mum back… but sadly that it not to be.

That’s my Alzheimer’s update.  If you’re experiencing it through your parent or grandparent, I hope it helps to know that you are not alone.

A New Resolution

Happy New Year everyone and I hope that it’s a great one for you. I’ve decided this year not to make the traditional New Years resolutions of loosing weight, going to the gym three times a week, finding that dream, job, the right guy (not applicable to me but it is to some) etc, etc. It just seems to be a waste of time and yesterday Mental health charity Mind warned that it is bad for your health!
Chief Executive of Mind Paul Farmer said

“We chastise ourselves for our perceived shortcomings and set unrealistic goals to change our behaviour, so it’s not surprising that when we fail to keep resolutions, we end up feeling worse than when we started,”

and how true that is!

So here is my new resolution for life,

“To be the best that I can be, love myself enough to treat myself right and extend grace to myself as I do to others and enjoy the journey that is life.”

That is it! Everything else will just flow. I’m content that I am equipped to be all and I can be and that what I am missing I will gain along the way. Life is too short to spend it beating myself up on what I shoulda, woulda, coulda done. It’s time to just enjoy being me.

Happy New Year being you!

You Just Be You

I know I’ve been quiet for quite some time, blogging only here on there, but whilst I have been absent I have been travelling on my self discovery journey which inevitably is not over yet. I have learnt so much about myself and at the same time accepted so much more about me. I’ve learned to trust my instincts better and even more importantly I have learned to extend to myself grace.

If you watch television you will find lots of wanna be’s, look alikes and copy cats, you will also find lots of adverts impressing on you how you should look, what you should eat, or wear or what car to buy and over and over again images are being impressed on us of who we should be. The truth is you should just be you, regardless of your weight, height, dress send or career, it’s important that you accept yourself just the way you are. If there is any need to change that should be lead by your desire to the the best that YOU can be not the best that someone else prescribed for you.

It takes some real forgiveness to accept yourself and to be happy with who you are, whilst there are some things that I would really live to develop about myself and work on I can truly say that I am happy with me. It’s from this standpoint that I can move forward, allowing myself to be all that I can be with out reservation and self criticism that often hampers that success that I should be experiencing. I’ve learnt to challenge my underdog who tells me that I can’t do some thing or that I’m not good enough, slim enough, tall enough (insert your own) and remind myself of all I have achieved and are capable of achieving.

My dad died when I was ten years old, way back in 1979 when bereavement counselling wasn’t fashionable and when you just got on with it, my mum has been suffering with dementia in the form of Alzheimers for the last 10 years and it has been really very hard going. But!!! and this really is a big but… what I has really hit me in the face is that whilst these things have affected me Life is for the Living and tomorrow is not promised so it’s time to seize today. It’s time to live enjoying who I am not wishing away the skills and qualities I have in the desire to be like someone else. It’s time to recognise that I am enough and that what I have to offer is just as good as the next person if not better. We can either let our life experiences push us forward or allow them to take us down.  I am who I am a woman who is multi-skilled, multi-faceted, with amazing prospects.

If I can be me and love me then you can just be you.

Don’t believe the hype

Recently I’ve had to really reassess what it is I want to do with my life or should I say my working life. Business development comes very naturally to me. Sit down in front of me and tell me about your business and inevitably I am able to help you find ways to reach your goals, focus better and maximise your business offering.

But I have had to ask myself… where does my passion life Madeline McQueen? And when I really thought about it, it comes with empowering people… women especially and helping them be the best that they can be. I’m passionate about helping them find the solutions to their problems whether that be making the best of their appearance finding the career that they want to be in or working on their relationships. It’s about helping them feel great and be great!!

So many times we follow a path because others tell us it is what we should be doing or we do so to be understood by and fit in with society. It’s just not necessary to do so! I realised that amidst all that I do work wise I have still be questioning if what I do is a legitimate job… why? Well something to do with not working 9 – 5 and having a payslip with the same amount of money in it each month! It’s silly I know, but I wonder just how many people out there who work for themselves or run their own businesses question their validity just because it doesn’t comform to the… “get a job” expectation that is placed on us from children.

So this morning, I say don’t believe the hype, be who you are and if that is not encompassed under one title… so what!! We are all many things and cannot be defined by the badge that someone else places on us. And so over the coming weeks you will find changing in my blog as I write about the varying sides of what I offer as a person and a business.

Step out into who you are and enjoy the journey…

Self Belief: A Vital Key To Success

I’ve found that self belief has most probably been my biggest hurdle in life. Self belief! Believing that I can!! I mean even if you know that you have got skills, talents, abilities, a great product, service or offering something deep inside holds you back from achieveing all that you know you are truly capable of. That knowing what you can achieve gets muddled by the layers that life places on you.

For me it was working with a boss who constantly questioned my ability, whilst knowing what I was capable of. A boss who truly felt that belittling me would motivate me to success. I when I left that job I left flying but scarred by my experiences. It was the stigma when I changed from a high flying successful sales manager to become a stay at home mum and housewife who felt that the world suddenly no longer recognised my talents and abilities. It was when I forgot being a parent was the most important job in the world and had oodles of value.

Like many others, for years I struggled with knowing what my purpose and focus was. For a long time my confidence through the knocks of life had been dented. Words have a huge effect on how we feel about our selves and they had a big effect on me. What others say and more importantly the words we say to ourselves go deep. It takes time and effort to learn how to filter the voices of others and promote a positive voice to yourself that builds your self belief and it’s not something that comes overnight. It is a slow realisation that comes with speaking words of life into our lives, no longer dependent on the words of others to make us feel useful and secure. It is also through the evidence of all that we have achieved and then giving ourselved the lea way to believe the evidence before us.

Those who I know who have immense self belief constantly tell themselves the good stuff and they tell others theirs. These statements start with “I am…” or “I can…” and words like “can’t” are removed from the vocabulary as working solutions are always sort and found.

One such person for me has been Shaa Wasmund, she has immense self belief and she affirms herself in almost every conversation. Now, whilst I find her self appreciation just a bit over the top for me, there is much to be said for her self affirmation. I take my hat off to her for her level of achievement as she is willing to try anything and take on just about anyone because she fully believes that she can.

Know yourself, what you can and cannot do. Be comfortable with who you are and be comfortable about your skills and abilities… believe in them. Let yourself know that you are good enough, capable and enough. Believe!!

Nuture your belief, develop it, use the evidence of what you have already achieved and continue to achieve on a day to day basis. This will support your claim to your abilities and your success and what you can and will achieve. Believe you can! Tell yourself the good stuff and allow yourself to bask in it. Then take massive action you will quickly see the results and have more evidence of your magnificence. Most importantly you will have stretched yourself outside of your comfort zone and outside of the layers and limits that you and others have placed on yourself.

Your developing self belief will be the key to your success and as you nuture it your success take root and become and intregal part of you.

So go on… dare to believe